Most couples arrive not because of one large event but because the same argument keeps recurring in different forms. Counselling works on that pattern — what triggers it, what each person is asking for, and what would have to change for the loop to break.
What is relationship difficulty?
Relationship difficulties are a common cause of sustained distress and among the least often brought to a clinician — many couples wait years, by which point patterns have hardened. The complaint is frequently communication, but underneath lies a repeating cycle: one person pursues and the other withdraws, or both escalate, or difficult subjects are avoided until they surface as resentment. The arguments change; the pattern does not.
Relationship difficulty and mental health are connected in both directions. Depression, anxiety, ADHD, trauma and substance use all strain relationships, and sustained conflict is itself a significant cause of depression and anxiety. The value of seeing a psychiatrist rather than a counsellor alone is that both can be assessed together.
What causes relationship difficulty?
Relationship difficulties rarely have a single cause, and identifying the pattern matters more than establishing fault. Most couples arrive convinced the problem is the other person; the useful work lies in the dynamic between them. Contributing factors include:
- Communication patterns learned in one's own family
- Untreated depression, anxiety, ADHD or trauma in either partner
- Major transitions: marriage, a new baby, relocation, job loss, retirement
- Financial pressure and disagreement about money
- Differing expectations around family, in-laws and household roles
- Breach of trust, including infidelity
- Sexual difficulties, which are frequently both a cause and a consequence
Common symptoms
Symptoms vary between people, and you do not need to recognise all of these to benefit from an assessment.
- Frequent conflict or communication breakdowns
- Feeling disconnected or emotionally distant
- Difficulty trusting or feeling trusted
- Recurring arguments over the same issues
- Anxiety or sadness related to the relationship
When to seek help
If unresolved relationship issues cause ongoing distress or pattern loops, counselling offers guidance without needing to wait for a crisis.
How relationship difficulties are assessed
Assessment is not about establishing who is right. It establishes the pattern — what triggers difficulty, how each person responds, and what has already been tried. Sessions may be joint, individual, or a combination. Individual sessions allow each person to speak freely, and how that information is handled is agreed explicitly at the outset.
Because psychiatric conditions frequently underlie relationship difficulty, each partner is assessed for depression, anxiety and other conditions. Individuals are welcome without their partner — useful work can be done with one person, and it is common for only one to attend initially.
Treatment options
The aim is not to keep every relationship together at any cost, but to help both people understand what is happening and make informed decisions — sometimes repair, sometimes separating with less damage.
Identifying the cycle. Early work makes the repeating pattern visible: what each person does, what the other reads into it, and how escalation unfolds. Seeing the cycle described neutrally reduces blame, because it stops being about character and starts being about a dynamic.
Communication skills. Practical skills — expressing a need without accusation, listening without preparing a defence, taking a structured pause when escalated — are taught and practised rather than described in the abstract.
Treating individual conditions. Where depression, anxiety, ADHD, trauma or substance use is present in either partner, treating it is part of the work, and improvement there frequently improves the relationship without it being the direct target.
Specific issues. Trust after infidelity, sexual difficulties, parenting disagreements and in-law conflict are addressed directly where they are central.
What recovery looks like
Progress shows first in how arguments go rather than whether they happen: disagreements become shorter, recover faster and escalate less. Couple work succeeds when both people look at their own contribution; where only one is engaged, individual work remains valuable, but the goals differ and this is discussed honestly.
Some couples decide during the process that separating is the right outcome. That is a legitimate result of the work, not a failure of it — particularly where children are involved.
How Trio Mindspace can help
Dr Kritika Surana offers a neutral space — for individuals or couples — to improve communication, identify patterns, and rebuild healthy connections.
Every plan begins with a full assessment rather than an assumption. Dr Kritika Surana will explain what she thinks is happening, set out the options, and agree the approach with you before anything starts. You can read more about her background and approach, or see all conditions treated at the clinic.
Frequently asked questions
Yes. Individual work on relationship difficulties is common and genuinely useful. Changing how one person responds within a pattern often shifts the pattern itself.
No. The role is neutral. The work is on the interaction between you rather than on establishing who is right, and both perspectives are given equal weight.
No, and earlier is generally easier. Many couples come while the relationship is fundamentally sound but a specific pattern has become entrenched. You do not need to wait for a crisis to justify seeking help.
Yes. Parent–child conflict, difficulties around life transitions, and strain within extended family arrangements are all common reasons people attend.
Yes, and this is common. Substantial work can be done with one person — understanding the pattern, changing your own responses, and addressing any individual mental health difficulty. Changes made by one partner frequently shift the dynamic even when the other is not attending.
No. The aim is to help both people understand what is happening and make informed decisions. For many couples that means repair. For some it means recognising that separating is the better outcome, and doing so with less conflict and better communication — which matters especially where children are involved.
Because relationship difficulty and mental health conditions are frequently entangled. Depression, anxiety, ADHD, trauma and substance use all strain relationships, and sustained conflict causes depression and anxiety in turn. A psychiatric assessment can identify and treat an underlying condition alongside the relationship work, which counselling alone would not address.
No. The work is focused on the pattern between you rather than on adjudicating who is right. Most couples find that having the cycle described neutrally reduces blame, because it moves the conversation away from character and towards the dynamic that both people are part of.